Thursday, August 22, 2019

Realms Of Gibbitude: A Mini Setting/Hack

What if D&D was a ridiculously over-the-top action movie/video game? This hack/setting is basically a dumb experiment with that concept. Don't take this setting seriously, its not meant to be genuinely interesting or deep or anything, play up the ridiculousness and absurdity. Everything should be as over-the-top and gonzo as possible. The action genre is silly.

The world as we knew it ended a couple decades ago. Nobody knows for sure what happened, everything was so fast. Now blood-soaked demons, cannibalistic mutants, berserk robots, and merciless aliens prowl the landscape, haunting the ruins of humanity's own hubris. This is Hell on Earth, and you're damned. But there is a glimmer of hope. There are rumors of a machine that can end you back to the past, to stop the apocalypse before it happened, but the road to this device is long and dangerous. To reach the time machine and save humanity, you must cross the


(From Pinterest, let me know if you know the source)


At first level, Fighters have a base HP of 10, all other classes have a base HP of 8.

Roll 4d6, drop the lowest result, and arrange as one wishes for stats.

If you kill an enemy with a melee weapon or your bare hands, you regain 1d3 HP instantaneously from the adrenaline rush.

You can dual wield weapons and make two attacks per turn. What kinds of weapons you can dual wield depends on your Strength score, as below

Strength Score Weapon Type
<10 No dual wielding
10-12 Light weapons
13-15 1 handed weapons
16-172 handed weapons
18 Heavy weapons

When a player character rolls damage, their damage dice explode. This means if they roll a 6 on a d6 for their damage roll, they add another d6. If that d6 rolls a 6, add another d6, and so on and so forth until you stop rolling 6s. This replaces critical hits. This also applies for d3s, since a d3 is just a d6 divided by 2.

Fuck inventory slots and weight and stuff, you can just carry any items you want.

New Species

Half-Demon: Reroll WIS and take the better result. You take 1d6 less damage from fire based sources. You have some minor demonic traits, like horns and sharp teeth.

(From the Hellboy comics)

Cyborg: Reroll STR and take the better result. You can see in the dark, using your cool red robot eye, and if you're wounded it reveals metal underneath. You don't need to eat or drink.

(From The Terminator)

Undead: Reroll CON and take the better result. You look human, roughly, but have glowing red eyes and pallid skin. You stink a little, but you're immune to disease.

(Caleb from Blood. I can't find the image source)


(From, believe it or not,

Father Michael, the Demon Hunter

Michael used to be a simple country preacher before everything went to Hell in a hand basket. Cultists and demons attacked his church, which he had barricaded to protect his flock. When the creatures finally burst through, he felt a surge of holy inspiration, his eyes glowing red with power and he launched a burst of flame from his fingertips, annihilating the cultists, before finishing off the remaining demons with a shotgun he took from one of the fallen. Ever since that day, he has traveled the land, fighting the forces of darkness.

Human Priest 1
HP 9
AB: +1
AC: Light+1 (13)

STR 16+2
DEX 13+1
CON 14+1
INT 8-1
WIS 14+1

2 Pump Action Shotguns (2 handed ranged weapon, 1d6+2 damage, +2 to hit)
50 shotgun shells
Longcoat (light armor)
Holy symbol
Chainsaw (heavy melee weapon, 1d6+3 damage, +3 to hit)

Can repel 1d6 HDE of unholy beings for 1d6 rounds once per day

Decompose/Restore Corpse

Heal Wounds

Sample Monster

(From Games Workshop)

Goatman Raider
HD 2
AC light (12)
ATK 2 weapons or 1 heavy weapon
DMG 1d6+1 each or 2d6

The original goatman was a failed genetic experiment that roamed the woods of Maryland but after the end, the radiation did something odd to his DNA, causing him to begin to reproduce asexually, splitting in half into two new goatmen. Soon, the scourge spread across the land, and now gangs of goatmen raiders are common. Goatmen are very strong, and often wield extremely heavy weapons.

Saturday, August 17, 2019

House Rules Update!!!! V2.5

Please look at my house rules I'm begging you

I changed some stuff relating to saving throws, monster creation, restocking megadungeons, added some tables for miniature rules, and probably some other things I forgot. Please take a look!!!

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

Dragons on Erath

I don't really like how traditional D&D dragons work. They don't seem to give off a coherent feeling to me, they don't seem to have a proper soul if you will. This could just be me, but they just feel so boring.

Maybe its the huge number of kinds of dragons that exist that makes them so boring to me, or maybe its the fact that they have a high level of intelligence and then do basically nothing but lie around in caves all day or eat a few peasants. It just doesn't sit quite well with me.

When I think of my idealized dragon, these are kind of what they look like;

(From Dragonslayer)

(These two are unknown sources, please let me know if you know who the artists are so I can credit them)

I don't like the more mystical side of dragons, with spell-casting and shape shifting and magic and stuff like that. When a dragon is around things should be messed up. Its not natural at all, it destroys entire ecosystems and razes villages to the ground, and it does so without a hint of remorse or thought. It hoards gold, jewels, and other objects like a gargantuan magpie for no reason other than that it likes the shininess, and won't hesitate to kill to get a single penny more. There is no divine intelligence or knowledge held within, only a predator's need to kill.

This doesn't mean there aren't dragon cultists though, inevitably someone will find out that if you keep the dragon well fed, it won't kill, and thus the sacrifices of cattle begin, followed by worship, followed by human sacrifice.

Dragons probably are going to be the only thing in their dungeon if they're around, aside from maybe some dog-sized mites that fell off of its scales or a few incredibly dedicated cultists.


Dragons are not a singular species, but rather a group of very similar animals. Universally, dragons have the ability to spew fire, and are always reptilian in nature, with at least 2 clawed limbs, but aside from this, much is variable. Some dragons are wingless, and possess only 2 nearly-vestigial arms to drag themselves around. Others have 4 powerful legs and large wings extending from their backs. Variations in color abound as well, typically reflecting their environment.

Okay But Where Do They Come From?

Dragons are basically a weird kind of dinosaur that survived the mass extinction event that caused the end of the Serpent-folk empire. Instead of just dying like most of the other dinosaurs, the dragons dug some burrows, and slept, saving their energy. They were buried under tons of rubble and dust and earth, hiding until the time is right. Yes, this does mean that most dragons are literally millions of years old, holdovers from another time.

Most of the time, dragons are awoken by earthquakes exposing strata that haven't seen the light of day in eons. This has led to some people believing that earthquakes is the very ground itself going into labor to birth forth a dragon. Sometimes, however, dragons are uncovered through human efforts, typically mining operations.

Combat Statistics

HD 5 to 15
AC heavy+shield (17)
ATK 2 claws, 1 bite, or breath weapon
DMG 1d6+2 each claw, 2d6 bite, special

Depending on the maturity of the dragon, these beasts can vary greatly in size. A typical adult dragon is the size of an elephant, and has 10 HD, while a truly ancient one may be as large as a whale, with 15 HD. Depending on the dragon, it may or may not have wings and be capable of flight.

A dragon's most defining trait is its ability to spew forth a jet of white-hot flame. This breath weapon automatically hits anything in its path, and deals damage equal to the dragon's current HP. A saving throw can be made to halve the damage.

Dragon Mite
HD 1/2
AC light (12)
ATK 1 bite
DMG 1d6-1
HDE 1/2

In many cases, the parasites that afflicted the ancient dragons manage to survive in stasis with their hosts. Dragon mites are about a foot in length, and resemble large ticks. They are nearly unnoticed by the dragon, and many often fall off and scurry into the darkness, where they look for new hosts. Though their mouthparts are built to drink only harmless sips of blood, they can be used as a dangerous shiv when the creatures feel threatened.

(By Dack9 on wikipedia)

Friday, August 2, 2019

Beholders SUCK!!!!

Beholders suck, they're stupid, this is dumb.

Look at this stat block, just look at it. There isn't a proper, easy to roll hit dice number, they give you  range of 45-75. How the hell am I supposed to generate that?? 44+1d30??

And the armor class, this is just ridiculous, it has 3 different ACs. Judging by the description, you have to roll percentile dice to determine where you hit it before you can roll to attack just so you can figure out what armor class you're rolling against.

And how does it attack? Well it has a bite attack for 2d4 damage, and generally then you have to roll 1d4 to determine how many magical attacks it gets, through which it is implied you have to roll a d10 that many times to determine what different magical attacks it uses. Oh, and also it has an anti-magic ray, because screw you if you're a magic-user and you wanted to have a fun time.


Okay, lets say you do get into combat with this thing and everything is set up and you can get past all that. Now, in order to find out what its magical attacks do you have to OPEN ANOTHER BOOK TO CHECK WHAT THE SPELLS DO!!!!!!

Oh, and what is the alignment of a creature for whom running combat is an absolute chaotic nightmare?

Lawful evil.

We can fix this.

HD 14
AC heavy+shield
ATK 1 bite + 1d6 magical attacks (automatically hit)
DMG 1d6+1

Magical Attack Table:
1. Hypnotize: Target must make a saving throw or obey a command made by the beholder
2. Laser Beam: Target must make a saving throw or take 3d6 damage
3. Paralyze: Target must make a saving throw or be unable to move for 1d6 rounds
4. Push: Target must make a saving throw or be flung 1d6x10 feet away, taking 1d6 damage in the process
5. Blind: Target must make a saving throw or be blinded for 1d6 rounds
6. Terrify: Target must make a saving throw or be affected with abject, supernatural terror, attempting to flee the battle and trying to kill anything that gets in their way. This lasts for 1d6 rounds.

Every time a beholder takes 6 damage or more, the beholder takes a -1 penalty to determine how many magical attacks they get to make, representing an eye being cut off.

There, no more stupid to-hit percentile rolls, no more page flipping, no more anti-magic ray, no more variable amount of eye rays which can hit given the angle which someone attacks it at, no more stupid eye stalk HP.